Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
