He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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