I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
