yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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