I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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