dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
