I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize