Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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