the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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