11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
