Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
