So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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