even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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