When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
