someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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