Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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