Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
