Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
