K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm like, not good at living.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
