you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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