you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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