I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
