i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
