seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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