Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
