So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
