I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
