Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
