i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
