The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
