my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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