is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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