if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
