i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think my vagina is haunted
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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