Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
