Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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