my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
