u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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