Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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