No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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