you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
