Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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