I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Who died my cat blue again?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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