someone threw a dead crab at me
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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