Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
