I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
