dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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