Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
