I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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