ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
