I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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