I wish my penis had an off switch
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
