I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
