Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
