so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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