I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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