I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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