The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
