i permit you to call me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
